Published on September 19, 2009

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I think most people know me as a fairly hard worker. I hate to admit it, but whenever someone has said that to me, I have felt like they don’t really know me. I know that I work hard on things that I feel like and that I keep a busy schedule, but I have known for a long time that if I was to succeed in the career I have chosen, something would need to change. I knew that I was not putting 100% of my energy into my art, and that those who make a career DO put 100% in. In my opinion, the different between putting 70% in and 100% into something is often nearly imperceptible to the average outside observer. 70% of your energy is alot to put into something, and often reaps great results. 100% is what gives you the edge. 100% is what the panel or the audience sees when they see a really stunning performance. Most people cannot put their finger on what exactly it is… it is not necessarily better acting, singing, stage presence, or physical beauty. It is focus and commitment. 100%.

I have not been putting 100% of myself into my art form in the past. This week, something clicked inside me, and I feel that the extra 30% of myself that I had not yet committed opened itself up to me. I know that giving 100% is not as simple as an open window, but suddenly I have an intense, singular desire to focus myself into my artform, and it is a fantastic feeling. I want to work and work and sing and sing and be the absolute best that I can be, not matter what the cost. I want to focus on improving so that I can better contribute as an artist – so I can contribute what I know is inside of me, but what, until now, I had no idea what I had to do to be able to express. It will be a long, hard road until I will reach 100% focus and commitment but I am taking my first steps on this road, and it is beautiful and invigorating. And I will not do it for the approval of anyone else, but only to satisfy the demands that my art places on me.

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To answer the question: “Do you still sing?”

I have learned that there is a difference between my physical voice, and my voice in the broader sense. I have mastered my physical voice – all the nuances, the breaking points; learned the ways my voice likes to move and blossom. There is freedom and joy in the practise of using my voice in that way on stage. But I needed something more.

Vulnerability Magic: One Year Sober

Inspired by a little silver plastic chip in my pocket that said “Women in Recovery” on one side and the serenity prayer on the other (and my phone full of new numbers), I found a desire within me that I hadn’t even known I wanted until I stepped into that meeting. I wanted myself back.